Pascale Dubé has been a powerful communicator since her childhood. Now she helps parents stay connected with their teens as they navigate the radical emotional and physical changes that accompany emerging adulthood.
Pascal Dubé began facilitating communication between family and friends as a child, and has mastered it in workplaces and now supports parents in her coaching practice, Parent Lead Coaching.
In this episode, we discuss:
You can connect with Pascale through her Facebook group (https://www.facebook.com/groups/parentleadcoaching )and her website (parentleadcoaching.com )
And if you would like to connect with Pascale to find out how she can support authentic communication in your family, book a free call:
https://calendly.com/parentleadcoaching/30-min-free-strategy-session
Thank you for joining me this week to listen in on my conversation with Pascal dubay. She's been called to smooth communication difficulties and breakdown since a very, very early age. And now she supports parents of teens through her business, parent lead coaching. Whether you are a parent of younger children or teens or just recognizing that all communication can use a little fine tuning, I know you're going to find some really great points and highlights in today's conversation. Thanks for joining us. Living in a stressful world doesn't mean you have to give up on happiness. Instead, you can shift your perspective of stress and discover how to live your life in flow. Welcome to Happified Life. I'm your host Susi vine. Join me for inspiration and interviews with folks who are shining their light in the world in the areas of positive mindset, health and wellness.
I'm so happy to have you here. Would you like to make more of your meditation practice? What if there was a tool that maximized your time and attention with images and affirmations carefully selected to boost your positivity and strengthen your resilience? To help you integrate your intentions into your subconscious, I have a special gift available for you. Visit https://happifiedlife.com/ and click on the Start off happy button to take a look at the phenomenal technology created by positive prime that shares positive images, affirmations and motivation in a method that literally wires your brain for more happiness, higher productivity, better relationships, and greater success. Head over to happifiedlife.com and click on the Start off happy button. See a sample video and sign up for your free trial. You can take 10 days to find out how the power of personalizing your own motivational videos by adding images from your photo library will bring you even greater benefits. I know you're going to love this tool. It's become one of my favorite go twos and an important part of my daily routine. Head over to hacker five life.com. To start off happy with positive pride. Welcome back. I am so excited to have you with us this week as I am joined by Pascal dubay, a communications expert who has been on a mission her whole life improving the way in which we communicate and understand each other. no small task. Influenced by her own story as a teenager, she changed her coaching focus in the aftermath of COVID and started parent lead coaching to help parents improve their communications with their teenagers. Pascale, thank you so much for joining me from Canada.
Yeah, thank you so much for having me. I'm in Montreal, and it's been a beautiful day today. So I'm quite happy,
beautiful. I love it. And I love that you know in spite of distance and time zones, we can come together and connect so I'm so glad you saved a little spot for us today. And I'd love to know more about what led you to this place. Um, communication definitely is important in families I think we would have no body of fiction books or television or movies if communication actually flowed easily. So obviously there's a lot of ground there that you know, there's a lot of room for trouble to grow. So how did this become so important to you?
That's funny you mentioned that because I used to work in the movie industry and story comes from conflict. So that was kind of my my basic, you know, first degree I wasn't I was in cinema so um, yeah, I've always been gravitating towards communication. Everything I've ever done in my life had to do with communications. But the roots of what I do now come from pretty early on in my life. I'm the third child, I have two other sister. And when I was 10 years old, my oldest sister was diagnosed with a brain tumor. And so what happened is my parents, of course focus their energy and time on her because they wanted to fight with her. And my second sister and I, we were kind of left to our own devices. Of course, it wasn't intentional on the part of my parents, they did everything they could, but it made me grow quite fast. And with dealing with my own issues, growing up as a teenager, I started journaling very early on to decipher my own emotions and kind of dissect what was going on. And I also helped my sister that was older than me, but she's a very anxious person. So she was having trouble dealing with with her own issues. So basically, I started coaching at the age of 10 years old. And even more than that, my parents, they're lovely, but their couple is, is quite strange, because they never got to really understand each other, they've been married almost 50 years. And they still have a hard time understanding each other. So I was the mediator translator. In the family, I was basically the person that was going to one person and the other and trying to make people understand each other's point of views and, and empathize with each other. So it's been the role I've been taken on very early on.
And I find that really fascinating. In some research that I've done in resilience. There was study that was done over decades in Hawaii, I believe it was on the island of Oahu. Now I'm gonna forget the granular details of it, but they were looking at a community that was pretty economically depressed, and watching the progress, the development from infancy through adulthood. And they found about a third of the people in this environment exceeded expectations brought themselves above their socio economic class and those expectations that might have been set for them. And, you know, their parents might not have had the tools needed to help them get forward in life, but they sought out their own resources, they just had within them an innate resilience, and the rest of us fortunately, can learn it and build this skill. But I find that really fascinating because to what you're saying to be 10 years old, and recognize that some things need to change that there's a gap that needs to be filled, that your sister needs some support, that you know, there's just some communication breakdowns, and you have the tools and the means to solve it. So you stepped in to fill that gap, I think is really powerful. And I think a lot of us have abilities we might not recognize, because it becomes second nature or just we haven't been in the we haven't been recognized and how we bring it forward and offer that support. So that's amazing. I love that your story started that early, and that you just felt it was something that needed to be resolved. And then once you have that vision, then I'm sure moving through life, you kept kind of seeing those patterns and opportunities,
every every single job that I ever had. I was always having this role in any type of environments. But it took me time to really go back to it and rediscover what my purpose was, and why teenagers. So of course, it speaks to my own experience. But I've been working with teenagers for years, like a long time ago, but I've always been super connected with them. It's an audience I love, I really love them. And I think they love me too. Because I I kind of get where they're at and what they're going through. I mean, I've got a pile of journals that archive my own experience as a teenager, I mean, it's still fresh in my memory. So it's not something that I've forgotten. Living my life. It's always been with me. And truly, you mentioned it earlier. But my overarching mission, if you want is to make a world where people have in their mind the focus to understand what the other person comes from and what they're really saying what their intentions are. And it's not necessarily you know, orally or what you're saying. It's also what you do, what's your nonverbal Are you coherent in what you do? Are you consistent with what you're doing? What you What you say? Are those things aligned? Are they are they misaligned? And the message you send actions speak louder than words most days and with teenagers, it's even more true.
Hmm, that's really powerful. And I love some different aspects of what you were just saying. To have the focus to understand and I think that listening is a skill that a lot of people haven't had the patience to develop. And they think that hearing is good enough without seeking that clarification, that comes with If someone to the rest of your point isn't being clear or congruent in what they're sharing, to then I don't know if challenge that is the right word. But to dig a little deeper and make sure that they're on the right track that they're receiving the right information to not assume that our first reception of it is enough or complete.
Yes, exactly. There's a saying that you know, you've got two of these and only one of that. It's absolutely true in every situation of your life, whether it's professional, your personal your professional life, or your, you know, romantic relationships, or your marriage or with your children. First use these. And when I say use these, also open your heart when you're listening, because most most of us, we are caught up in everything that's going on, everything is super fast, our lives are ecstatic. We don't know, you know, one thing, we can't wait, we can't wait. We have a hard time waiting for anything. It's like instant gratification and your kids, your teenagers are into that even, you know, from a very earlier age than we were, you know, I don't know if you remember those times, but we had to wait for our TV shows every week.
And wait for commercials,
yes, there you go. That's another thing. So we live in a very fast pace society nowadays. And I think taking the time to receive something from another person and truly be present with them when they're speaking not trying to find what you will say next. While they are talking, you know, not not figuring out what your reply will be. While you're listening, just just listen. Taking the time to do that is a skill that we might have forgotten, but that we can basically find back and I think it will improve your relationships tremendously.
Absolutely, I agree completely. And my marvelous husband is a good demonstration of this, because he has a very active mind. And he's a great problem solver. And he's always got the wheels turning. And I can tell when we're in conversation, and he's just waiting for me to stop talking, if I'm lucky enough, and he waits for me to stop talking so that he can get back to making his point. And we're getting better because we've had this time together to kind of work on it. And so I recognize when it's happening, and I can say okay, I need you to follow through with this to the end, because I know you already have questions, or you've already solved this, but there's more. So stick with me. And, and recognizing that observing it and recognizing it in ourselves is hugely important. So I love this how. And and I and I see too I think you see correlations between our ability to listen, and our health is well how does that actually play together?
Yeah, well, it's all about giving your brain time to process things. Um, I mean, we've got a fabulous machine here, you know, it goes way faster than any of us ever could. But it has to process things. And it has to process emotions. Emotions are energy wise, they take a lot of space, and they take a burden on your energy levels. And so when you don't have proper communications first, you don't have proper connections. So we are social beings, if the connections aren't right, or if there are some things that are missing from connection or relationship, if we don't feel like the connection is real, or if we feel like there's no, not enough trust, we become anxious because basically, we want to connect. And I think we also forgotten the fabulous gift that was given to us, of him intuition. We don't listen enough to what we're feeling when we interact with people. There are some toxic people out there, that we are geared and built, that we can recognize them. But if we don't take the time to really receive the information that comes from the person that you're talking to, whether it's a stranger or something you were someone you work with. If you don't take time to receive this energy, if you don't feel it, because you're caught up in work or you're caught up in your own problems, and you don't take time to listen correctly. And listening is not only with yours, it's also with your gut feeling. Sometimes we can enter spirals, that can be very detrimental to your health, emotional spirals. I've worked for a narcissist for a while. And I was the only person that was immune to him. But I saw my co workers that were slowly spiraling down because their energy levels were depleted by this person. And I helped them the best I could. But you know, basically, people were not listening to their own instincts. So there's another key component in communications is try to feel the nonverbal and ask yourself, okay, how am I feeling right now? If there's a conflict, for instance, with your teenager? Before answering, try to assess what your emotional being or state is. Because when we're angry, when we're anxious, where we are fearful, sometimes we're fearful for for our children. Am I feeling guilt right now? Does it trigger something inside of me that if I answer right now, I will regret what I will say it's an art to be conscious of the way you're feeling. But the more you are conscious of the way you're feeling at every moment, the better your relationships will be, because you will be able to use the proper way to communicate so that your emotional state doesn't affect your relationship.
There's a lot of really brilliant stuff in there, I'm super excited, there is an art, to understanding your emotions, I already didn't capture the whole phrase, but I will, and I'll bring it into the show notes. It's so true. And, and to your point, also, we need time to process people feel like, emotions are sticky or complicated, or we don't have time for it, or they're inappropriate, and we try to bypass them. And then there's that friction in your communication, because you're not communicating authentically, you're trying to disregard some really important signals. Yeah. And, and we have, we have lost that ability to connect, to communicate with our own bodies, or to understand the means of communication that our bodies have. And that gut instinct is so important, because it's easy for that to be drowned out, we've got information coming in on every channel.
And more than ever, our as a species, we were not even designed to receive that much information, you know, social media publicity. And now with zoom and COVID, we've been interacting in a way that we were not designed to interact. So those, you know, they bring up other types of issues. In the communications process, and your teenagers have lived through a year and a half, two years of being communicating only through screens. there will be consequences from that. And your teenager also goes through the fastest paced evolution biologically, psychologically and emotionally, emotionally, that they will go through their life, this is the fastest pace, their their brain is evolving at the quickest pace, it will ever, ever evolve. And so all those changes have an even bigger impact for them, because they're developing right now. And if you can do whatever you can, to provide support at home, so they feel safe, so they feel that they're connected to you, you're the person that's there. So their anger sometimes is directed towards you because you're there. But you have to be there. It's your job as a parent to support them the best you could, you can but no one is perfect. And I'm pretty sure that all the parents that are listening to us do the very most in the very best they can, being a parent is hard.
Yes, it's so true. And And to your point, too, I think and you mentioned earlier, you know, parents and I haven't raised my own children. I have a stepdaughter who was grown when I came into this relationship. And I still feel and it might not be easy to walk forward on a daily basis. But I still feel that that emotional literacy, that ability to be present with our emotions, and to communicate that to our kids is one of the most empowering things we can share with them because it gives them so much more voice than a lot of us had as we were growing up. I know in my own accent. perience you know, if there wasn't an awareness, and it's really hard to filter that, but as a child, if if I had seen more adults being honest and saying, I don't have the capacity to have this conversation right now I need to take a timeout, and I want to come back and finish this conversation. I want to be present for you. But I need to put some other stuff aside, so right, and just to have that awareness, like we're not all the time and control of our emotions, and that communication is, I think, priceless. Yeah, it's
one of the I think it's one of the the skills that will be the most important as we move forward as a society. technology will take more place, more space in our lives. But ultimately, we don't, as I said, we don't evolve the same at the same rate that technology does. So we still have to address our humanity. And that requires being able to interact with one another in a way that will be constructive for every party.
Yes, absolutely. And so we've talked about a couple of different issues that parents may be facing or discovering as they're communicating with their teenagers, are there any that we haven't had a chance to dip into yet that you tend to see show up?
Yeah, well, there's, there's a particularity when your teenager goes from childhood, to teenage years to adulthood, there's this transition that everything goes so fast, as I mentioned, and I think some parents are having a hard time changing their own roles and adapting, because when their kids was, was a child, they were the hero, they were perfect to their, into their children's highs. And now the same person that loves them unconditionally is also the one that screaming at them at the top of their lungs. So for a parent, it's kind of a hard step. But they have to make the transition from being protective, to manage their children, to make sure that they're safe and everything to be to become a mentor and a guide. More of trying to inspire their teenager with their own experience by from their own experience, but also for from their own actions. So your teenager will be more critical about who you are as a person. Therefore, perhaps it's an opportunity for you to improve yourself as a human being and show your kids that it's possible for you to change the lesson is basically teaching them that adaptability is maybe one of the best skills you can develop. And as a parent, you have to change your mindset from being the protector, or the hero to become a mentor to guide and the person that provides safety for their experiments and experimenting life and getting out of their comfort zone. The only thing you can do at that point is support them in their new experiences.
Yeah, I think that's so profound. And I'm just picturing in that transition. To go back to what we were talking about earlier, an opportunity, a really powerful opportunity to be honest, as the kids are transitioning from that childhood to the teen years and saying, you know, hey, I'm sorry, I was still in that, you know, mind space where you need this for me. And now I can see that this is what you're looking for, or this is what I'm able to give you space in and I'm still gonna be present in this regard. You don't get to tell me what my role is. But we're negotiating and yeah, I'm feeling into it. I'm growing into this to like, again, continuing that conversation and just being open with it, rather than when we when we shut down when we get concerned or defensive or worried and we close off, there's blanks there that need to be filled in. And when we leave those blanks for someone else to fill in, it makes it hard for them. And then I just see so much more potential for communication breakdowns that that misunderstanding, right?
Absolutely. We all have our own egos. I think and we've got our own experience. We've got our own filters. And maybe it's time to reopen your own teenage years book. I mean, remember who you were as a teenager, and what were your experiences. I know I've got friends around me and people around me who were rebels like Rule Breakers when they were teenagers. And some of them are the most strict parent there is, which is kind of strange, but I I think it just comes from the fear they are, they are scared that their kid will do the same thing they did. Instead, perhaps you could share with your kid, what you did, and the lessons you learned from it might be more constructive and more positive for them to learn that and see you in a different light. Instead of being the person that comes up with rules, you're, you're someone with wisdom. You're someone with wisdom that just trying to help.
Yes, and I think that approach, lead really leaves the door open in an important way. Because when we need to find those resources, when we, when we look for support, and we don't feel like we can communicate with the ones who are closest to us, then we look elsewhere. And that can be a really dangerous situation, too. When people when teens are filling in the gaps outside the home, that's true,
and you have no control over that, because they're their own person, you know, they they are more freedom, which is, is good. Freedom is a good thing, experimenting is a good thing. The thing that's not good is like you said, when there's a trust issue between the parent and the teenager, the teenager will refrain from providing information to their parent. And this is where danger lies is when if the teenager feels judged, or things that you will just be, you know, put them in in their room and provide them for you. Tell them that they can go out or I don't know, be more be stricter with them, then they might not tell you the information you need to hear. And some teenagers are feeling that the home is not a safe place anymore for them to really be themselves and, and, and communicate with their parents. Some might even start to do self harm. If if they're being bullied at school, or if something is bothering them, and they have nowhere to turn. It can lead to anxiety, depression, your teenager might close, completely closed down and shut down. And that requires a lot of work once it's done. So prevention is key. Try not to burn the bridge, make sure the bridge stays open,
open for repair. At minimum. It doesn't have to be flawless, but at least you keep bringing in the effort. And so do you have any tips because because it can be easy for problems like this to come up and then you know you might see it happening but be completely stumped as to what you can do about it. So do you have any tips for parents who are stressed or worried as they see these kinds of things start to develop?
First, be observant. If the if the behavior of your teenager starts to shift, maybe start asking question, but there's a way to ask questions to a teenager. You cannot come and be super judgmental in the way in your energy that you bring to the question. Try to have a curious undertone instead of a judgmental undertone. So ask questions, your teenager offer help. You know if just offer help. Sometimes you don't necessarily need for them to completely confide in you and just pour everything. But if they know that they can turn to you for help, and that you'll be there no matter what it helps. So just set the table. Try to involve them in the family life as much as you can. If you've got, I don't know family vacations that you need to plan, ask them what they want to do, what interests them, and involve them in the planning perhaps or even budget wise start to involve them in decisions and try to understand where their strengths are and lift them up. Because it's teenagers are tough on self on self confidence. They're judged by their peers, they want to fit in but they want to be their own person. So a lot of confusion as well. And I said earlier today to someone I said them. The sad thing about being a teenager is that you have all the will in the world, but you don't have the experience and you're super adaptable. But you don't have the experience. So you basically try, you will try anything, because those are the days. And the difference with the parent is that they don't want to experiment. They're more set in their ways. But they've got the experience. So try to make a team with your teenager. And if there's one tip that I found really helpful when I was working with teenagers, myself, is in terms of credibility as an adult, of course, as a parent might be a little different, but just own the fact that you're no longer cool. Just really own the fact that you're not cool anymore. And it's tremendous the result that you will get from your teenager, because they still, they still love you.
But they,
you, they think you're so not cool. Don't try to be cool on the fact that you're not cool. And maybe bond on this, okay, I know I'm not cool, what's cool, tell me, I want to know what's cool. And just have conversation about their interests, just that will will go a long way. And I mentioned earlier, but this goes with any types of relationship. So of course it applies here, but be consistent with what you do. And what you when you say what you do must be aligned. Because if there is a discrepancy there, your teenager will pick up on it, and it will start to take away at the trust. And Trust is everything.
And that's such a great point. Because they are as they're putting the pieces together. You know, and that social awareness is growing in their own body of wisdom is growing, and they're taking in so much more input from all of the channels like we've been discussing, yeah, that that intuition is stronger. And they they're very quick to pick up on where things are out of alignment. And as soon as that trust has been undermined, then they question everything. And that's not the dance, you want to be in with your team. before it starts. And I love what you said at the beginning too, and kind of we came back around to it even at the end is the tone or the approach that you have as you enter the conversations. If you come in without getting into a place of curiosity, and being open and asking, honestly, like, why did this feel like a good choice? Or why is this important to you right now, as opposed to having any of that tone of criticism or judgment, because, again, it's such a tender phase, you know, we all survived it, barely ourselves. And so you know, to put ourselves back in those shoes and feel like we're just trying this out, you know, if we might get it wrong, but to feel like there's a lot of judgment coming down right away can definitely again, undermine that trust and lead them to be kind of drawing away. And that's the last time and situation on which we want that to be happening. So Oh, some fairly powerful points for all communication to
last thing that I might say. teenage years with the relationship between you and your teenager, teenage years are fun. So stop worrying, and they go, they go by so fast, and then they leave for college and university. So enjoy those years.
Such a good point, nourish those
years, instead of, you know, feeling the need of being angry. Anger doesn't resolve anything,
you know, and I think mindset is absolutely everything. And you know, in the stories in the circles, as you watch your friends and their kids go through some difficult times, like we take on this perception of the teenage years, like we are in it, it's gonna be tough, it's gonna be a struggle, right? And then we've got that perception, and we're already on guard. And so yes, thank you. It's fun, exploration and growth mindset is fun. And if you can share that space with your teens, then that's so empowering for them. It's much lighter load for us to be carrying right as we're walking with them through that part of their lives. So that's really empowering. Thank you for that important reminder. Let's keep the fun in the game. And so you pescarolo have a very kindly offer that we can share with folks and I'll have a link in the show notes so people can connect with you for a free strategy session, which I think is a very kind offer because time is a precious resource. And you know different people blend or merge fast with different personalities. So what can people kind of expect to, to find in this little strategy session that you make available?
Well, of course, we will discuss about their particular issue. That's a one on one free session. So I will ask a couple of questions about what their reality is. And if they are like one challenge that they want to discuss, in particular, I might offer some either reflection or some tips, or just some wisdom that they can go back home and try stuff or maybe try and introspection and be more aware about the way that they communicate with our teenagers. Sometimes it's just they need this distance, and they don't have any distance. And I can provide this distance and ask questions. So of course, a strategy session, the aim is to really zone in on a particular issue. 3030 minutes is not a very, very long strategy session. So we're going to address probably one or two things over this strategy. Strategy Session sorry for my English. I'm a French speaker at heart. All day, so sorry for that. So yeah, one issue or maybe two. And if they want to start one on one coaching, I also offer those services, but it will really be like a quick fix on some issues that they might face. If there are deeper issues, then we might discuss having more than one one session. But
yes, and I love that it's very kind offer of your time. And it's so important. And that's why I love bringing folks on to join me in the show who speak to different areas of specialty, but also because through the course of our conversation, people can already start to understand through our amazing skills of communication, how you relate to people, what your approaches to issues, whether or not they resonate with you, and then this session where they can actually bring something to the table and get a little bit of clarity and see some potential moving forward, I think is a really powerful opportunity. So thank you for making that available. And is there anything else we've covered a lot of ground, but communication could be an endless topic. So anything else that we want to touch on before we go today?
Um, well, if people want to join my Facebook page, perhaps it's called parent lead coaching on Facebook.
And yeah, it's a great opportunity. so wonderful. I'm excited. I'll be staying tuned for your giveaway, too.
All right. So much, Susie. Oh, absolutely.
Pascal, it's been my pleasure. I love connecting with you. I love what you are doing in the way that you're facilitating communication and conversation because it's so important. We take it for granted. And so when we get that perspective and take a fresh look at it, and really check in how is our personal communication with our emotions? And are we listening to that gut instinct that we need so much? And then how can we model that for our kids and we'll have a lot less TV dramas to have to have to watch unfold in front of us, right. Beautiful. Thank you so much, Pascale. Again, it's always a treat to connect with you.
Thank you so much. Glad to be here.
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